I’ve been dark for a while, like nearly two months…last time I wrote it was Frank’s birthday, just a year after he passed. I made it through the year, with this blog as my trusty friend. I moved through the year month by month, changing and growing with each tick of the clock.
And now I’m here.
I’m somebody new, but not really. I’m the Cynthia I always was, the Cynthia I will always be, but I’m incredibly different.
I’m authentic, fair-dinkum, bonafide…what you see is what you get, 100% me, no holding back.
No hiding.
After Frank died, I felt resolved to pick up the pieces and find who I was now that he wasn’t here. It was time to be me, without the filter of another human, including the filter I had brought upon myself, through years of thinking I had to be “normal” or hide who I really was because it was somehow unacceptable, even if that wasn’t true.
Once I decided to close our business I was laid out, sidelined, knocked down, flattened, and devastated. The wind was completely knocked out of me. I didn’t know which way was up, could barely function for a few months, even though while in it it felt much different. I didn’t feel depressed, I just couldn’t do much.
When I went dark, all I wanted was to follow my joy. To do things that felt good, and not much more. I walked my dogs, hung out with my kid, and saw my boyfriend as frequently as I could.
I didn’t return emails, make phone calls, or pay attention to the mail.
I let some things slide. I. Just. Couldn’t.
It was weird, I hadn’t experienced that before. I had never been laid down like that. I mean, even when Frank died I sprang to action…I did everything I could to make sense of my life and to make sure Lena and I were going to be ok. The business was the straw that broke the camel’s back.
But somehow, from that space, I’ve recovered. I’ve found balance, something I’ve never had before.
I was always the responsible one, the one who took the notes and held the books and made the appointments, drove the car, and…all the things. In that space that has been my life the carefree, wild and fun side got a little zipped up. I mean, not completely…I’ve always been fun but within reason. Within parameters. Within convention.
Fuck that.
Now I’m finding something that has laid hidden for a lifetime. I’m trusting myself deeply. I don’t have to be completely zipped up and straight, because I know I make good decisions, and in that space of knowing there is SO MUCH wiggle room for play, for exploration, for really feeling into who I am and what I want.
It’s like: “Go ahead and judge me.” I know who I am. Your opinion of me will never change that.
And I see the people around me who love and support me and have basically just been waiting for me to be me…they know my labels don’t change my character. They know that when I’m free to be myself the world is a better place.
I almost don’t feel ready to make this proclamation, but when will I ever? This is something I’ve known my whole life. Something I’ve kept hidden for convention's sake, but I’m outside of convention now.
I’m neurodivergent.
I’m queer.
I’m polyamorous and bisexual.
And
I’m trustworthy.
I’m responsible.
I’m an excellent mother, a fantastic clinician and a divine partner.
None of these things change because of the labels I’ve decided to give myself, but the freedom of giving myself those labels changes everything.
I can’t tell you what a gift it is to feel this freedom. To know that I can be all the things…do all the things…and I won’t fall apart or drift away. In fact, I’ll only grow stronger still.
It feels good to be here.
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I don't know what will become of this blog in the coming months, but I don't think it will be as regular. I have an inkling to turn it into a book...many of you have suggested that and I think it might be time. Stay tuned, I know it's a long process!!