It looks different for all of us, I’m learning…this grief process. The first week, I scribbled in my notes “grief pancake.” I said our house had been “stricken by grief” enough times that my daughter asked me to stop. She said she didn’t like feeling burdened by it. I saw her point, but it held me down heavy like a lead weight under a deep abyss.
The abyss…we’re falling down to the bottom of a bottomless pit, my daughter said, but someday we’ll get there, and it will be beautiful and perfect, and there will be things we collected along the way that we love, and treasure, and are meaningful to us from this time.
So here we go.
F a l l i n g
Along with the things I’m collecting there are so many I’m letting go. I think letting go is equal amounts of the process, maybe even more.
My body is my container for grief, and I must take care of it, for grief is all consuming.
This morning, in meditation I had this vision that I was emptying my container, from all the things that were placed in it inadvertently…from what I was born into this life with to what was placed in by society, or by my own unintentional abuses and neglects along the way.
Once empty, I can focus on filling it intentionally, with things that belong there, that will serve me as I go forward in this life.
Ah, but the emptying…it began with a deep desire to figure out what the fuck just happened and what was next. I was floating…up, up and away…out of my body, out of my mind for sure, and out of my world. I needed to tether myself. The only thing that made sense to turn to was the esoteric. I consulted different seers from tarot to traditional astrology to Vedic astrology, spirit guides and intuitive healers. I had to know what the stars said…was this predicted? I knew deep down I was going to be ok, and that I was facing a huge transformation, but I needed to know more. I am an open book...saying yes to so much, seeing what resonates and casting off the rest.
Grounding and presence on this plane has also been essential, so massage, meditation, continued shaking yoga practice, long walks, hot baths and the smell of lavender have stayed me. Self-love in any form has been so important as I transform this grief into a new life.
Perhaps grief is the time we also have an open window into something greater than us. Into sorrow, yes, but also into the soul. A window into deeper understanding with the opportunity for healing, growth and transformation. The offer is there, and I'm taking it with open arms.
New words have entered my lexicon, my esoteric understanding has leveled up as I said yes to friends who volunteered Whole Soul Facilitation with Body Therapy, Somatic Trauma Therapy and as I found my way into Intuitive Trainings. These have helped to bring the trauma out of my body, connected me to my higher purpose and allowed me to make sense of my next steps.
Interestingly, all of the various readings have basically said the same thing…that Frank’s death had to happen as a catalyst in my life for what is to come next, and what is next is a huge awakening into my higher purpose, into a deeper intuitive and spiritual knowing, and into really being me. The funny thing is, each of these practitioners have also said that I've relied too much on others and not enough on myself. Ironically, I'm doing just that as I search for answers. Ha! Essentially, all signs point to “you got this, live out your badass life like you’ve never let yourself do before and stop relying on other people to make decisions for you.”
So here I go.
I step through a ring of fire, shed my skin like a snake and emerge as someone transformed.
Frank has shown up from time to time in some of these therapies or readings…his energy is joyful, full of love, cheering me on and sending me signs. It feels comforting to know he’s on the other side, that he helped me get to where I am, and that these next steps are a result of what we created together…personally and professionally.
Next up in the radical self care roster is also pretty intense, and you're sure to read about them in coming posts as I go through the all things... I'm taking a 5 day vedic PanchaKarma (if you don’t know what this is, look it up…a regimented physical cleansing to rid the body of negative waste…plenty of that after the crazy adrenal overload that Frank’s death brought on), a 5 day retreat with a somatic sexologist, a 4 day stay at Camp Widow, and a 7 day yoga retreat in Oaxaca for Dia de los Muertos.
It seems radical, indulgent and self-serving, and that’s exactly what I need right now.
Not only am I re-centering, but I’m recreating.
On my good days I feel wild, fierce and free.
I am no longer who I was before he died. That person is forever changed, and the new one is just figuring it out. My intention is to emerge from this deeply centered, connected to the divine and true to myself like a compass is true to its north.
It’s a wild ride, and I may as well enjoy the journey.
(If you're interested in any of the therapies I've mentioned, here are links to the various practitioners' websites: Tarot and Shaking Yoga: https://spirithousehealing.org/ Whole Soul Facilitation and Body Therapy: http://www.sabrina-marie.com/ Somatic Trauma Therapist: https://www.magdalenaweinstein.com/ Vedic Medical Astrology: https://www.ayurvedichealing.net/ Intuitive Visionary: https://theblossomingself.com/)