A friend of mine put a post on FB the other day that really hit a cord with me.
It was about belonging. How she’s spent a lifetime in the same community, yet doesn’t feel like she belongs. How she’s been in various groups for decades, yet doesn’t feel like she belongs. How her relationship of several years ended and she no longer belongs.
Belonging…Be Longing…it’s not an external process, it’s internal.
I, too, felt like I never belonged anywhere. Untethered, floating around, feeling like I had no community, people didn’t really notice or care for me, the only people who did were those in my very close intimate relationships, and even with some of those I had questionable belonging.
My husband got diagnosed with cancer last summer, and he got to see how he belonged, how people loved him, where he fit into the fabric of his life. Honestly, I felt like an outsider in that process. I saw it so clearly for him, celebrated it so dearly for him, but for me…fuck it, who cared?
Then my husband died.
And I awoke.
I brought my ragged and broken self to Colorado, on a deep intuitive process of knowing that began about 2 years ago…it led me here, to do some very transformative work with a very talented woman Frank and I worked with before he was even diagnosed with cancer. We could feel her healing powers, and I wanted to work individually with her, to awaken to my own self…to learn me.
But I wanted to do it for the sake of Frank. Because he was always wanting me to love myself more, to accept myself truly, to know what I wanted and not be afraid to ask. And I wanted that too, and I was willing to do it for him. But I never got around to it.
And then, repeat the phrase from a few moments ago…my husband died.
Anne More was almost the very first healing practitioner I reached out to following that. “I want to work with you, 1:1, I’m ready,” I said. “Good, I’m delighted and honored. Let’s do it,” she replied. We booked our session for spring, and here I am in Boulder, Colorado, post immersion experience and I’m completely fucking transformed.
Sure, Anne More is a somatic sexologist and Erotic Blueprints™ Master Trainer, and doesn’t that all sound risque and tantalizing and edgy AF? But that’s the smallest slice of the pie. That’s what might make you want to walk through the front door…but what’s inside is a whole cauldron of self-knowing, self-understanding and self-acceptance that has NOTHING (ok, and also everything) to do with sex.
I didn’t come here to have better sex.
I came here because I didn’t feel like I belonged in my own fucking body, and that sucks. It sucks when I’m in the work world and I can’t state a request because I don’t know or believe my own worth. It sucks when I’m parenting and I have to hide my body shame so my daughter doesn’t develop it too. It sucks when I’m walking down the street and feel apologetic just for fucking being. And it sucks for feeling like I don’t belong anywhere.
My journey with Anne was deeply personal, and I won’t go there in this blog. It would be deeply personal for ANYONE, and also vastly different for EVERYONE, so y’all get to do your own exploring and awakening. I entered with a great, body shaking fear. I faced deep trauma that had been encapsulated in my soul. I came to another layer of grief release for losing the love of my life, my true soulmate, the man who wanted me to accept myself no matter what because I’m fucking awesome and he saw that and celebrated it and wanted more of it…
If only I could have done that for myself while he was still alive.
But I could’t, or I didn’t, and that’s ok.
I’m here now. I’ve arrived, and it feels glorious and good and healthy and beautiful.
I look different to myself when I look in the mirror.
My flaws aren’t so pronounced, heck…what flaws? I’m a perfect design of the creator, there are no design flaws here!
I feel different in my body. I feel grounded and secure in the world. I feel like I can fly without feeling untethered.
The first day, I had an image of myself as a chained bird, a big Phoenix bird, that wanted to break free but was afraid. By the last day, I was soaring. I literally danced around the room like I had wings, and it felt good. I went for a huge hike, my favorite one in pretty much all of forever (and I realized I’ve been doing this hike for 20 years!! From back when I first lived in Boulder…wow).
And then I went shopping, because, y’know…a girl still has her priorities in life. I bought this shirt I would NEVER have worn before because…gaack…it showed my arms, and my bra strap and isn’t that inappropriate and maybe even tacky, and my arms should really be hidden, not shown…but I tried it on anyhow and what do you know. I thought I looked hot.
I felt like I belonged in my body.
And that sense of belonging, it’s been opening since Frank died. I see all these people who love me, who aren’t there just because of him, but because of me. I am loved, I am love, and I belong.
So here I am. I belong to me. I belong to the world. I belong to the sacred dance of life, and so do you. It's lovely to meet you.
Oh, and if you want to check out Anne More, do so here: