It has certainly been more than a minute since I posted a blog. More than a minute since I have felt like writing. And just about a minute since I have decided to reclaim my life.
I wrote a friend the other day, telling them how I finally feel like I can take a breath, that these past 2+ years have felt like being submerged, with little breaths of relief but always that holding…that desperate quick filling of the lungs that somehow became normalized as I bobbed the waves, enjoying the view but longing for land, for stability, structure, and support.
I can see land now. I can stretch my noodly, salt drenched legs on the sandy bottom as I walk, astounded, to the shore. I can breathe deep oxygen rich breaths, one after the other. The waves still slap me, and probably always will, but I can see a new future I had not envisioned before. I know the sand will give way to solid ground, that the breaths will become automatic, that I will, eventually, feel removed from the immediate gratitude of this moment.
For now, I acknowledge that I am doing it, that I am resilient and living my best life. I am doing good things for my community and beyond, to live like I’ve never loved before, and to keep shining no matter how dark it gets around me.
I read my last blog from over a year ago...it sounded much like this one, but I was missing some elements of healing still before me. I felt I was finding my stride, but I didnt yet know how much more there was to unfold, to unlearn and to create.
The thing is, I didn’t realize I was treading water for so long. I didn’t realize I had so much to go through, so much I was holding. Slowly, wave by wave and breath by breath I’ve let it go, developed a new relationship to it (whatever ‘it’ is) and taken steps to move ever closer towards that which feels good in my life.
I feel as though, in the entrance to my 50th year, I can finally say I feel true stability forming. I feel my lungs relax as I exhale, and my mind settle as I inhale.
I mentioned to another friend recently that I am out of survival mode, and I didn't even realize I was in it until now.
The pandemic, my spouses cancer diagnoses and then death (unrelated), the closing of my business, falling into debt, moving 3x in the last 2.5 years, body changes, energy changes, friends and family falling away, my now partner transitioning from male to female (which is actually the best thing I can even imagine, if you want the truth, but it still involves a lot of adjusting and resettling)...you name it, it's probably happened and it's been a whole thing.
I realize this is probably why I have fallen out of touch with so many, why I haven’t been able to keep up with paperwork, why I haven’t had the ability to sort out finances…and it’s finally shifting.
Recently I was in a training about trauma and resilience and developing a new relationship to our survival mechanisms...Symptoms into Superpowers. I realized, in that moment, that one of my trauma responses from the pandemic and Frank's death and losing my business was to seek fun. I didn't give a fuck about the mundane, the mandatory, the monotonous. I often wondered if something was wrong with me...if I was actually happy, or was I being reckless? Was I still responsible? How could I even make a decision that involved any thought further than "Sounds like fun, I'm in!"?
And now, from this vantage I see I have created a life I love. I see that not wanting pain or hurt turned into seeking fun, which then turned into making choices that directed me towards living the best life I can imagine. I see that the loss of who I was opened me up to who I am, and at the root of it, who I have always been. Yet now I carry with it an unapologetic lust for the life I have been blessed with.
I intuitively went with what felt right, with what felt good, expansive and wonderful, and as I did, doors opened before my eyes. I am soon to be a certified Erotic Blueprints Coach, and will be building my practice so I can guide others into deep fulfillment and unabashed understanding of their own pleasure. My partner and I have launched Mendocino County safe Space Peoject (MCSSP), a 501(c)3, where we use a cultural humility model to educate organizations in our community about how to be better allies for the LGBTQIA+ and it's taking off like wildfire.
My life has unfolded organically, with very little pushing or prodding from me. Simply allowing and seeing what comes next has been game changing.
I am surrounded by friends that truly see me, embarking on a career that brings me a next level of joy, and partnered with a woman that is beyond any depth of love and belonging I could fathom. To be seen fully as you blossom tenderly is a special kind of joy, and I am grateful for it.
There is more to say, so much more, I could write a million of these blogs, but for now…this is me on the cusp of 50.
Commentaires